Raymond glances at the time on the dashboard. Traffic is at a standstill, and he was supposed to be at the cinema almost 20 minutes ago. He’d been so excited to watch the new Inside Out with his partner, but he got caught up working on a new project. Before he knew it, he was late. He sent a text, but it was left on read. When he arrives, he finds Jorge sitting outside. “I’m so sorry! I was—” Raymond begins, but Jorge cuts him off. “Save it, Ray. You do this all the time, and I’m sick of it.”
—
TJ’s stomach is in knots. They read the email over and over again. How could this be? They know they missed a couple of payments (honest mistakes), and there were a few months where money was tight and they couldn’t afford to pay. Now, their debt has been sent to collections, and their credit score is taking another hit. They pick up the phone to call their mum, bracing themselves. “Why are you so irresponsible? Aren’t you ashamed that you have to run back to us all the time?” TJ silently wipes away a tear.
—
Alina clasps her hands together and silently counts to three before responding. “I’m sorry,” she blurts out, “sometimes I get so excited to respond that I jump in. I didn’t realize…”
“Ugh,” Liz groans. “You’re doing it again! Let me finish my sentence. The world doesn’t revolve around you!”
—
Do any of these situations sound familiar? Maybe you’ve experienced similar conflicts with colleagues, teachers, friends, or loved ones. In each of these scenarios, can you imagine how these individuals might feel? It’s often easy to put yourself in their shoes—and perhaps you know how these fights might end.
When you come to counselling, you may notice that your counsellor asks the infamous question, “How does that make you feel?” At this point, you might roll your eyes—so cheesy! But there’s a reason we spend so much time exploring emotions. Understanding our feelings helps us become more self-aware, and it also allows us to communicate our emotions effectively to others. This is a key aspect of maintaining healthy relationships.
One valuable tool to add to your communication toolbox is non-violent communication (NVC). This method, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, allows you to voice your feelings and needs in a clear and empathetic way.
How does non-violent communication change our interactions?
NVC provides a way to express emotions and needs without criticizing or blaming the other person. It promotes self-awareness and empathy, leading to deeper understanding in our relationships.
Here are some ways to engage in NVC:
Observe: Note what happened objectively. Jorge was waiting for 20 minutes, and Ray texted to say he would be late. By removing judgments or criticisms, we can see the situation for what it is.
Focus on Feelings: When Alina interrupted Liz, Liz noticed she became irritated. The irritation was spurred by an action, not by Alina herself, taking the judgement off Alina as a person.
Identify Needs: TJ’s mum feels blindsided when she hears TJ is in so much debt. She needs more notice to prepare and put together the money to help. TJ doesn’t feel safe reaching out for help, they usually feel ashamed after calling their parents. They need to feel safe.
Make Positive Requests: TJ’s mom asks that TJ reach out after 2 missed payments in the future in order for her to help out. “I would like you to [let me know a few weeks before you need the money to get it together]”.
Would these conversations go differently with a little more focus on emotions and less focus on judgements?
Raymond glances at the time on the dashboard. Traffic is at a standstill, and he was supposed to be at the cinema almost 20 minutes ago. When he arrives, he finds Jorge sitting outside. “I’m so sorry! I was—” Raymond begins, but Jorge responds, “Thanks for texting in advance to let me know you were running late. I know you are trying, but when you forget about our plans, it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”
—
TJ’s stomach is in knots. Their debt has been sent to collections, and their credit score is taking another hit. They pick up the phone to call their mum. “TJ, it makes us worried when we hear about these financial issues. I need to know in advance so I can help right away before things get worse.” TJ takes a breath and explains what’s been going on.
—
Alina clasps her hands together and silently counts to three before responding. “I’m sorry,” she blurts out, “sometimes I get so excited to respond that I jump in. I didn’t realize…”
“Alina, this is what I mean. I get angry when you interrupt me mid-sentence. Please give me time to complete my sentences so I know you’re listening,” Liz reflects.
Adding emotions and positive requests to our communication can make a significant difference.
If you, your partner, or your family want to learn how to communicate more gently and effectively, meet with one of our counsellors today.
Ashley Kabugo is a counsellor-in-training currently pursuing a master’s degree to become a registered clinician. A passionate advocate for mental health, she is dedicated to helping individuals find the support they need. If you're looking to connect with a counsellor or coach, please don't hesitate to reach out.
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