Love with ADHD

“The practice of love offers no place of safety. We risk loss, hurt, pain. We risk being acted upon by forces outside our control.” - bell hooks, All About Love.

Relationships are an essential part of our lives. Whether with classmates, co-workers, friends, family, partners, or members of our community, we are constantly surrounded by others. While relationships can already be complicated by the daily rigamarole of life, ADHD may add another layer of complexity—especially when misunderstood quirks leave the other person feeling neglected.

We wanted to share some common relationship hurdles and advice our counsellors want to say during your sessions!

“Let’s cherish all of our connections  - be it with friends, family, nature, or spirituality. Each relationship is unique and can be as important and fulfilling as the next. As Andie Nordgren writes, we can “[design our] own commitments….and [free] them from norms dictating that certain types of commitments are a requirement for love to be real’” – Debra Torok

When we first start any relationship, there’s a boost from the novelty and excitement of meeting someone new. For folks with ADHD, this may come with an intense period of hyperfocus, where all attention is directed toward the new friend or partner. However, as the brain returns to equilibrium, the sudden shift from hyperfocus to inattention may feel hurtful to the other person—even though it’s just part of the natural adjustment. All relationships eventually settle into a steady state and require effort to keep them engaging and fulfilling. Scheduling intentional quality time can help show care. Additionally, learning each other’s love language allows you to connect in ways that feel most meaningful, strengthening the bond and fostering deeper understanding.

“Relationships and love are hard; they require constant work, intention, and behavioural adjustments.” – Ping Xu

Relationships also carry commitments and experiences that can quickly fill your schedule. However, this can sometimes lead to overcommitting and requiring a period of rest to recharge when your energy is drained. During this lull, you may need to cancel plans or “disappear” for a while, which can leave the other person feeling abandoned or frustrated by the sudden change. Communication can make all the difference during these periods—helping the other person understand why you need a bit of solitude and reassuring them that it’s not personal. Expressing your needs openly can foster understanding and prevent misunderstandings. It’s also common to feel guilty when cancelling plans or stepping back, but it’s important to remember that you deserve to take care of yourself. Prioritizing rest not only benefits you but also allows you to show up more fully in your relationships when you’re ready.

“Taking care of yourself is a powerful way to take care of your relationships with others. When we know ourselves and feel well, we can show up for those we care about" – Ashley Kabugo

An array of emotions is also expected when socializing with others. There will be feelings of joy and closeness, as well as times of sadness or conflict. For neurodivergent folks, regulating emotions can be challenging. We may project negative emotions or beliefs onto others or internalize painful words when we don’t need to. It takes time to learn someone else’s emotional landscape while also caring for your own. Past experiences and beliefs can creep in, making it difficult to recognize when they interfere with how you show up in relationships. Having mental health support can make a huge difference—whether you are learning about yourself and your emotions or coming as a group to explore your dynamics and strengthen your connections.

There are so many ways to love and be loved. Take your time to learn about yourself and others and remember you can always reach out for support if you need some help along the way.

Ashley Kabugo is an ADHD coach and in the process of becoming a registered counsellor. She offers practical tools and compassionate support to help you care for yourself, navigate life’s demands, and work toward your goals.

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